1 00:00:59,050 --> 00:01:00,310 Now, that's very interesting. 2 00:01:00,650 --> 00:01:01,650 What is it? 3 00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:02,770 Don't join business. 4 00:01:03,650 --> 00:01:08,130 Is it another missive from those age -concerned people? 5 00:01:08,710 --> 00:01:11,130 Yes. I've been meaning to talk to you about them. 6 00:01:11,370 --> 00:01:12,370 Oh, really? 7 00:01:12,570 --> 00:01:14,190 Harvey's blood pressure, you see. 8 00:01:14,550 --> 00:01:17,570 Well, he doesn't have blood in his veins, Jane. He runs on oil. 9 00:01:17,830 --> 00:01:20,410 He's a very sensitive person. Jane. 10 00:01:20,730 --> 00:01:25,150 And the more you provoke him, the greater strain you put on his delicate 11 00:01:25,270 --> 00:01:26,270 Oh, I think I'm going to be sick. 12 00:01:26,650 --> 00:01:28,050 You just don't realise. 13 00:01:29,889 --> 00:01:32,650 exterior there hides the soul of a poet. 14 00:01:33,450 --> 00:01:36,470 Yes, he is still a mortal man. 15 00:01:36,790 --> 00:01:39,090 If you prick him, does he not bleed? 16 00:01:39,430 --> 00:01:41,770 No, he does not. He squirts pure multigrade. 17 00:01:42,890 --> 00:01:44,930 Oh, you do shut up, Jane. 18 00:01:45,450 --> 00:01:50,790 I, in conjunction with these very splendid people, am going to pull this 19 00:01:50,790 --> 00:01:55,270 into the 20th century if it kills me. Or better yet, if it kills Harvey Baines. 20 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:01,920 I do hate cut flowers. 21 00:02:06,820 --> 00:02:08,639 Hello, Jane, I'm back. 22 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:09,919 Give us a kiss. 23 00:02:10,460 --> 00:02:12,660 Oh, Basil, so that it was. 24 00:02:14,340 --> 00:02:16,140 Tom, look who's here. 25 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:17,400 My God. 26 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:18,780 Hello, Tommy baby. 27 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:24,120 Basil, is that you? Certainly not. It's Tom Cruise, super stud. 28 00:02:24,980 --> 00:02:27,280 My dear fellow, how wonderful to see you. 29 00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:29,540 It's been three months. 30 00:02:29,980 --> 00:02:32,980 You and Betty only went on a ten -day cruise. Where have you been? 31 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,440 Right round the world. 32 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,940 And where did you get the world's most awful shirt and why have you got a 33 00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:38,940 hanging round your neck? 34 00:02:39,100 --> 00:02:42,660 We went to Hawaii and Tahiti. 35 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:44,000 Bora Bora. 36 00:02:44,300 --> 00:02:45,300 I bet it was. 37 00:02:46,140 --> 00:02:48,600 Jane, hang this round your neck. 38 00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:50,580 It'll attract all the fellas. 39 00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:52,580 Really? Oh, yes. 40 00:02:53,300 --> 00:02:55,240 A splendid aphrodisiac. 41 00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,560 Mustache. Think I hear Harvey call. 42 00:03:05,420 --> 00:03:07,720 That had a bit of a row. 43 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:11,980 Oh, you haven't chopped her up and left her in the suitcase at Waterloo Station, 44 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:17,180 have you? No, certainly not. No, we just had a major barney. I kept telling her 45 00:03:17,180 --> 00:03:21,220 that I had got her mind, but she only wanted me for my body. 46 00:03:21,780 --> 00:03:24,180 Yes, I had the same trouble with Brigid Bardot. 47 00:03:24,460 --> 00:03:26,600 Forget the meaningful discussions. 48 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:29,560 All she wanted to do was to tear my clothes off my body. 49 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:32,660 Ah, well, after ten days... 50 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,080 I said that I needed a day off. 51 00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:38,680 So Betty ran off with a Japanese bullfighter. 52 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,480 What have you been doing since? 53 00:03:41,940 --> 00:03:45,840 Oh, you know, hanging around with the Hawaiian surf crowd. 54 00:03:46,340 --> 00:03:49,340 Working my way through the beach bimbos. 55 00:03:51,620 --> 00:03:53,220 What's been happening here? 56 00:03:53,460 --> 00:03:54,460 Oh, nothing really. 57 00:03:54,660 --> 00:03:58,440 Couple of earthquakes, spot of plague, visitors from Mars. 58 00:03:58,720 --> 00:03:59,780 Just the usual. 59 00:04:02,350 --> 00:04:03,350 Foul as ever. 60 00:04:03,770 --> 00:04:05,730 And your family, young Geoffrey? 61 00:04:06,010 --> 00:04:09,990 Ah, well, now, to tell you the truth, Geoffrey's been a little odd of late. 62 00:04:10,910 --> 00:04:11,970 What did you say? 63 00:04:12,270 --> 00:04:14,330 I said I'm leaving you. 64 00:04:14,890 --> 00:04:15,890 Leaving me what? 65 00:04:17,050 --> 00:04:18,009 Leaving you. 66 00:04:18,010 --> 00:04:22,290 Going away from you. I'm walking out. I do not wish to spend any more of my life 67 00:04:22,290 --> 00:04:25,210 with you. I do not wish to be married to you. Our marriage is over. I want a 68 00:04:25,210 --> 00:04:26,710 divorce. I don't want to see you again. 69 00:04:27,750 --> 00:04:30,190 Geoffrey, are you trying to tell me something? 70 00:04:33,290 --> 00:04:33,949 Just a minute. 71 00:04:33,950 --> 00:04:34,950 What? 72 00:04:35,630 --> 00:04:37,810 Did you say you're leaving me? 73 00:04:38,030 --> 00:04:39,150 Yes. Oh. 74 00:04:40,790 --> 00:04:42,390 You didn't get any lemons, did you? 75 00:04:45,250 --> 00:04:46,250 I'm leaving. 76 00:04:46,650 --> 00:04:50,230 Our entire life is about to go down a black hole and you are asking me whether 77 00:04:50,230 --> 00:04:51,189 got any lemons? 78 00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:52,149 Well, did you? 79 00:04:52,150 --> 00:04:53,670 Yes, dear. They're under the sink with the tonic. 80 00:04:53,930 --> 00:04:55,510 Right. Bye, then. 81 00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:57,130 Goodbye, dear. 82 00:04:58,670 --> 00:04:59,770 Geoffrey. Yes. 83 00:05:00,510 --> 00:05:01,510 Where are you going? 84 00:05:02,830 --> 00:05:03,910 Where am I going? Yes. 85 00:05:04,310 --> 00:05:09,490 I mean, if you're leaving me, you must be going somewhere else. I was just 86 00:05:09,490 --> 00:05:10,490 wondering where. 87 00:05:11,210 --> 00:05:13,050 Um, I'll find somewhere. 88 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:43,220 I am a reasonable man, Diana. 89 00:05:44,740 --> 00:05:45,740 Aren't I, Jane? 90 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,300 Oh, you are, Harvey. Very reasonable. 91 00:05:48,660 --> 00:05:54,400 Not only reasonable, but sensitive, charming and passionate. All right, 92 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:55,480 just don't go mad. 93 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:58,960 You're not a reasonable man, Harvey. You're a dreadful little crook. 94 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:03,920 If it wasn't for me, this place would be run like wormwood scrubs, but without 95 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:04,920 the sense of freedom. 96 00:06:07,180 --> 00:06:09,020 I think you've been got at, Diana. 97 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:10,079 Got at? 98 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,360 These communist agitators you mix with. 99 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:13,840 Oh, do you mean age concern? 100 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,540 I've seen the literature you get, Diana. 101 00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:21,840 Every time one of their pinko manifestos comes through the door, you're in here 102 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,500 with all manner of subversive demand. 103 00:06:24,260 --> 00:06:25,780 Do you mean wheelchair ramps? 104 00:06:25,980 --> 00:06:30,220 Right. Before, when the old ducks were wheeled up and down the steps, they were 105 00:06:30,220 --> 00:06:32,280 perfectly happy with a bit of a bump and a clonk. 106 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:36,640 Not now, oh, no. Now it's wheelchair access ramps everywhere. 107 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:41,640 And the modifications to the minibus. You mean the use of a professional 108 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:45,200 Antonio was a perfectly good driver. 109 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:47,320 He drove on the wrong side of the road. 110 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:51,780 Well, what do you expect? He's Portuguese. They do that sort of thing 111 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:54,260 You really must be a little more tolerant. 112 00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:58,420 He also had no medical or ambulance training at all, and he frequently 113 00:06:58,420 --> 00:06:59,420 close the back doors. 114 00:07:00,140 --> 00:07:02,900 Every time he went round a bend, he jettisoned half his customers. 115 00:07:05,390 --> 00:07:08,970 was littered with startled pensioners sitting around like wayside gnomes. 116 00:07:10,770 --> 00:07:14,690 I don't trust this sporadic social conscience of yours, Diana. 117 00:07:15,210 --> 00:07:17,450 I think you're trying to get right up my nose. 118 00:07:18,550 --> 00:07:20,090 There is that, of course. 119 00:07:24,130 --> 00:07:25,130 Sorry, Harvey. 120 00:07:26,170 --> 00:07:30,670 Yes, well, I have made my formal request, and as such, you are duty 121 00:07:30,670 --> 00:07:31,670 put it before the board. 122 00:07:32,010 --> 00:07:33,190 They'll fire me, you know. 123 00:07:34,030 --> 00:07:38,230 The doctors who own this place, they know the value of money and they don't 124 00:07:38,230 --> 00:07:40,430 it fritted away on senseless health care nonsense. 125 00:07:40,870 --> 00:07:44,130 We want panic buttons installed in every apartment. 126 00:07:44,610 --> 00:07:49,570 If you don't do as we ask, we will all go down to the shopping mall and take 127 00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:50,409 clothes off. 128 00:07:50,410 --> 00:07:52,050 Oh, God, not again. 129 00:07:52,470 --> 00:07:53,470 We have been warned. 130 00:07:55,290 --> 00:07:56,770 Farewell, Tom DeLeo. 131 00:08:00,210 --> 00:08:04,910 Jane, I don't want any more of this health care nonsense. Age concern 132 00:08:04,910 --> 00:08:08,310 coming through the door. Just bribe the postman. Right -o, Harvey. 133 00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:11,810 Now, about these alarms, would you like me to do a costume? 134 00:08:12,090 --> 00:08:14,330 No, don't be silly. Just leave it to me. 135 00:08:15,490 --> 00:08:17,070 Oh, uh, Jane. 136 00:08:18,170 --> 00:08:19,550 What are you doing for dinner tonight? 137 00:08:20,170 --> 00:08:21,170 Works. 138 00:08:23,010 --> 00:08:24,190 Nothing, Harvey. 139 00:08:24,530 --> 00:08:25,349 Oh, good. 140 00:08:25,350 --> 00:08:26,950 See if you can sort that lot out, would you? 141 00:08:32,299 --> 00:08:33,419 You're such a swine. 142 00:08:33,799 --> 00:08:35,440 You warm my heart. 143 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:38,260 Well, someone's got to keep the little bastard in line. 144 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,320 Excuse me. 145 00:08:46,340 --> 00:08:48,320 Hello. Cary Grant here. 146 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,480 What? Who? 147 00:08:52,660 --> 00:08:54,220 Oh, it's you, Marion. 148 00:08:54,940 --> 00:08:55,980 And how are you? 149 00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:58,280 It's Marion. 150 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,740 She's singing and wants to dance on the roof. 151 00:09:01,050 --> 00:09:02,050 Get her a ladder. 152 00:09:02,870 --> 00:09:03,870 What? 153 00:09:04,310 --> 00:09:05,410 You feel pretty? 154 00:09:05,790 --> 00:09:06,810 Oh, so pretty. 155 00:09:07,690 --> 00:09:11,110 You feel pretty and witty and gay. 156 00:09:12,570 --> 00:09:13,890 Oh, she's rung off. 157 00:09:14,690 --> 00:09:16,130 What was all that about? 158 00:09:16,450 --> 00:09:21,030 I think Marion's had a quiet paddle round the old gin vat this morning. 159 00:09:22,030 --> 00:09:24,390 Dreadful little squawking brain -dead shrew. 160 00:09:24,990 --> 00:09:28,410 Should never have let them marry, Tom. Oh, Geoffrey wasn't the greatest catch, 161 00:09:28,430 --> 00:09:29,430 exactly. I'll say. 162 00:09:29,910 --> 00:09:32,430 Centuries of breeding and all you could come up with was a Geoffrey. 163 00:09:33,130 --> 00:09:35,730 The last few millennia looked like a bit of a waste of time. 164 00:09:36,090 --> 00:09:38,510 Yes. What he needs is ginger. 165 00:09:39,570 --> 00:09:42,450 Ginger? It's an old trick of Irish horse dealers. 166 00:09:42,730 --> 00:09:45,970 You get a boring old half -dead nag, stick a bit of ginger up its arse. 167 00:09:48,270 --> 00:09:51,690 See him get it good and frisky. Should try some on Geoffrey. 168 00:09:54,070 --> 00:09:59,070 They look so hopeful on their wedding day. Yes, they always do. 169 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:03,200 Marriage. What a weird concept. 170 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:08,620 Two people meet, spark off an emotional explosion, which is probably the most 171 00:10:08,620 --> 00:10:11,280 intense feeling they will ever have in their entire lives. 172 00:10:11,540 --> 00:10:15,220 They rush off to a church, swear they will keep it up forever. 173 00:10:16,020 --> 00:10:21,480 Then, when the steam of lust has cleared, they see each other's black 174 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,740 nasal hair with popular clarity. 175 00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:29,980 They realise they are joined at the legal hip and are condemned to years. 176 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:35,340 of felon compromise, bitterness, despair, depression, futility. 177 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:40,940 Only if they're lucky, the blessed release of an early death. 178 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,780 I never realised it was such fun. 179 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:55,100 Well, I speak, of course, from the lofty point of total ignorance of the state. 180 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,000 We enjoyed it, Maggie and I. 181 00:10:57,740 --> 00:11:00,800 It was wonderful to start with, but just kept getting better. 182 00:11:01,780 --> 00:11:07,660 It's 15 years since she died, and yet I still find myself turning towards her to 183 00:11:07,660 --> 00:11:08,660 share a thought. 184 00:11:09,180 --> 00:11:13,900 Only to find she's not there, and... Don't get maudlin, Tom. 185 00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:15,140 Might be forced to be sick. 186 00:11:17,180 --> 00:11:19,300 I never understood why you didn't get married. 187 00:11:19,580 --> 00:11:20,580 Oh, God! 188 00:11:21,140 --> 00:11:23,000 Oh, yes, I know, I know, yes. 189 00:11:23,660 --> 00:11:25,160 All your lovers were bastards. 190 00:11:25,540 --> 00:11:29,800 But you're such an impetuous creature, and marriage is an impetuous act. I can 191 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,800 never understand why the person and act never got together. 192 00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:35,420 Well, the best ones weren't only bastards. 193 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,240 The best of the lot was a married bastard. 194 00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:39,680 Ah, picky. 195 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,240 I set my cap at that one man for 30 years. 196 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,680 I'll have him one day, I thought. 197 00:11:45,940 --> 00:11:46,940 And did you? 198 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:48,500 Frequently, biblically, but... 199 00:11:52,020 --> 00:11:54,480 Permanently. He was always gone by breakfast. 200 00:11:54,820 --> 00:11:55,820 Well, 201 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:56,699 I was a mistress. 202 00:11:56,700 --> 00:12:00,860 No wise man ever marries his mistress, does he? Merely creates a vacancy. 203 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:05,480 A cad and a bounder. Oh, yes. He was never going to leave his wife. 204 00:12:05,940 --> 00:12:09,780 I scanned the obituaries every day in case the silly card had the decency to 205 00:12:09,780 --> 00:12:10,780 step under a bus. 206 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:12,640 That's terrible. 207 00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:14,760 No. That's being a woman. 208 00:12:15,530 --> 00:12:19,630 When it comes to the obsessive desire for a certain mate, we are far more 209 00:12:19,630 --> 00:12:24,370 primeval creatures than simpering menfolk with their long faces and 210 00:12:24,370 --> 00:12:27,330 poetry. We want to get, not suffer. 211 00:12:27,590 --> 00:12:28,870 But you didn't get. 212 00:12:29,370 --> 00:12:30,870 Nor did you get got. 213 00:12:32,090 --> 00:12:34,070 No, I failed. 214 00:12:34,490 --> 00:12:35,710 Hello? Dad? 215 00:12:36,330 --> 00:12:38,670 Oh, that's Geoffrey. Oh, good party time. 216 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:42,400 Hello, Geoffrey. 217 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:43,620 Lovely to see you. 218 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,540 Delivering some yoghurts in the area? 219 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:47,280 Um, not quite, Dad. 220 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:49,460 Is Marion with you? 221 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,140 No. Of course not. She just rang me. 222 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:53,900 Oh, what did she say? Oh, nothing really. 223 00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:57,080 Just singing mainly and tap dancing. 224 00:12:58,420 --> 00:13:00,640 Oh, I see. Look, can I have a word with you, Dad? 225 00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:04,140 Oh, be my guest. Have two. Be a devil and have a whole sentence. 226 00:13:05,140 --> 00:13:06,280 I mean, in private. 227 00:13:06,540 --> 00:13:07,369 Oh, Diana. 228 00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:10,490 I have no secrets from each other? Yes, of course we do, Tom. Besides, I have 229 00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:13,910 absolutely no desire to hear the riveting revelations of Mr. 230 00:13:14,290 --> 00:13:15,290 Excitement here. 231 00:13:15,730 --> 00:13:18,390 I shall be hammering Basil into the croquet lawn. 232 00:13:20,190 --> 00:13:21,590 No, she's not really rude. 233 00:13:21,830 --> 00:13:23,010 It's just her manner. 234 00:13:23,350 --> 00:13:25,470 No, she's right. I am a terribly boring person. 235 00:13:25,750 --> 00:13:28,390 Oh, no, Geoffrey, you're not terribly boring. 236 00:13:29,130 --> 00:13:30,130 It's all relative. 237 00:13:30,230 --> 00:13:34,190 I mean, there are societies, I'm quite sure, where the endless discussions of 238 00:13:34,190 --> 00:13:38,350 DIY and real ills are considered to be the height of witty repartees. 239 00:13:38,990 --> 00:13:41,270 Dad, I've left Marion. 240 00:13:43,250 --> 00:13:44,290 You've left her what? 241 00:13:45,030 --> 00:13:48,310 Oh, don't you start. I've left her, moved out. It's all over. 242 00:13:49,270 --> 00:13:51,670 Oh, Geoffrey. 243 00:13:53,370 --> 00:13:54,570 Well done. 244 00:13:54,870 --> 00:13:55,870 Congratulations, 245 00:13:56,350 --> 00:13:57,350 a man of... 246 00:13:58,320 --> 00:13:59,640 I'm so happy for you. 247 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,420 Look, Basil, a parrot. 248 00:14:02,340 --> 00:14:03,340 Where? 249 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:06,760 I can't see a parrot. 250 00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:09,320 No, of course you can't. This is Bournemouth, not Tahiti. 251 00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:14,220 But you just said... Ah, look, Basil, I know what your game is. Trying to put me 252 00:14:14,220 --> 00:14:18,540 off going on about parrots. Well, I'm sick of your cheating. Any more of it 253 00:14:18,540 --> 00:14:20,600 you'll cop this in your favourite toys. 254 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:21,879 I'm sorry. 255 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:22,799 I'm sorry. 256 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:23,800 Shut up. 257 00:14:24,060 --> 00:14:25,420 Watch while I... 258 00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:28,070 Play my winning shot brilliantly. 259 00:14:31,230 --> 00:14:32,230 Diana! 260 00:14:33,010 --> 00:14:34,510 You cloth head! 261 00:14:34,750 --> 00:14:36,870 You owe me £10. What for? 262 00:14:37,330 --> 00:14:39,330 For spoiling my winning shot. 263 00:14:39,710 --> 00:14:43,290 Now the Sex Pistol here will win the game and I'll lose the £10 we were 264 00:14:43,290 --> 00:14:45,370 for. We were only playing for 10p. 265 00:14:45,710 --> 00:14:46,750 Thank you, Basil. 266 00:14:47,590 --> 00:14:48,590 Prat. 267 00:14:49,950 --> 00:14:50,950 Oh, yes. 268 00:14:52,530 --> 00:14:53,950 Oh, what is it? 269 00:14:55,660 --> 00:14:57,880 Is it my extra -strength condoms? 270 00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:00,180 No, it is not. 271 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:04,780 And I'd be very grateful if you didn't write things like that on the residence 272 00:15:04,780 --> 00:15:05,780 shopping list. 273 00:15:06,660 --> 00:15:08,520 It's a laughing stock of boots. 274 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,240 Well, come on, then. What is it? 275 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:18,100 Well, as you know, Diana has requested that all residents should have access to 276 00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:20,120 an alarm system in case they're attacked. 277 00:15:20,660 --> 00:15:21,660 I never attack anyone. 278 00:15:22,190 --> 00:15:23,250 I'm always invited in. 279 00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:25,090 Aimed at you, Basil. 280 00:15:25,950 --> 00:15:29,150 So what cheap trash has Baines come up with this time? 281 00:15:29,350 --> 00:15:33,130 Is it one of those high -powered, wailing, bleeping, fleshing jobs? 282 00:15:34,090 --> 00:15:36,150 Well, they do make a lot of noise. 283 00:15:36,910 --> 00:15:37,910 Come on, then. 284 00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:55,110 Can't tomorrow lecture at the sex therapist's convention. 285 00:15:55,970 --> 00:15:57,330 What can they teach you? 286 00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,310 Nothing. I'm giving the lecture. 287 00:16:00,930 --> 00:16:02,330 Go away, Baz. 288 00:16:03,890 --> 00:16:04,829 What, who? 289 00:16:04,830 --> 00:16:07,290 Oh, hello, Jeffrey. Still here? 290 00:16:08,130 --> 00:16:09,130 You're in my feet. 291 00:16:09,950 --> 00:16:10,950 Oh, I'm so sorry. 292 00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:38,940 Still keeping the vampires at bay, I see. 293 00:16:40,060 --> 00:16:41,820 Oh, what a perfectly formed elbow. 294 00:16:42,140 --> 00:16:43,140 Oh, sorry. 295 00:16:48,660 --> 00:16:49,660 Ah! 296 00:16:49,820 --> 00:16:50,820 Farmyard impressions. 297 00:16:52,340 --> 00:16:55,800 No, no, no. No, no, don't tell me, don't tell me. It's, um... No, no, I'm very 298 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:56,800 good at farmyard impressions. 299 00:16:57,300 --> 00:17:01,160 It's, uh... I know. It's a toad farting in custody. 300 00:17:15,849 --> 00:17:16,950 Sat on some ginger, has he? 301 00:17:20,210 --> 00:17:21,410 He's left, Marion. 302 00:17:21,770 --> 00:17:22,770 Left her what? 303 00:17:23,650 --> 00:17:27,470 Why can't anyone believe that I have the strength of character to walk out on my 304 00:17:27,470 --> 00:17:30,450 wife? Oh, Geoffrey, well done. 305 00:17:30,970 --> 00:17:31,970 That's what I said. 306 00:17:32,190 --> 00:17:33,470 What brought this on? 307 00:17:33,870 --> 00:17:35,050 Well, nothing in particular. 308 00:17:35,410 --> 00:17:37,430 Just years of embarrassment and humiliation. 309 00:17:37,970 --> 00:17:41,250 She's slept with half my friends. She pops pills till they're coming out of 310 00:17:41,250 --> 00:17:45,110 ears. She's a hopeless mother and, well... Sometimes I go as far as saying 311 00:17:45,110 --> 00:17:46,110 not very nice. 312 00:17:47,130 --> 00:17:48,130 I'd never have known. 313 00:17:49,330 --> 00:17:52,970 So, you've got yourself somewhere lined up, have you? A little pad somewhere, a 314 00:17:52,970 --> 00:17:55,530 fridge full of shampoos? Well, I've got a temporary place, thanks. Oh, really? 315 00:17:55,570 --> 00:17:57,470 Well... Here, I'm stopping with Dad for a bit. 316 00:17:58,350 --> 00:17:59,350 Won't that be fun? 317 00:18:02,250 --> 00:18:03,610 Happy lunchtime, everybody. 318 00:18:04,210 --> 00:18:05,230 It's a lovely day. 319 00:18:05,530 --> 00:18:08,730 Any questions, any problems, everybody happy. 320 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:20,920 The really interesting thing about pine shelving, that is, proper Norwegian 321 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:24,080 pine, not your local rubbish, is its potentially wooden quality. 322 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,660 I mean, a lot of people find pine a bit dull and common, and they have the more 323 00:18:27,660 --> 00:18:28,940 exotic woods for their shelves. 324 00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:31,500 But I will always go to bat for good, solid pine. 325 00:18:31,780 --> 00:18:35,000 I find the best place to get it is Mason's, just up the 314. You know where 326 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,400 mean. If you go past the railway station, then cut across on the 217, 327 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:41,060 find you save quite a few minutes by taking the bypass, which comes out just 328 00:18:41,060 --> 00:18:42,080 beyond Mason's Yard. 329 00:18:42,410 --> 00:18:45,470 Mason himself is a fine man, and we often spend hours checking the grains 330 00:18:45,470 --> 00:18:46,850 discussing cross -cut techniques. 331 00:18:47,530 --> 00:18:48,570 I'm not boring you, am I? 332 00:18:48,770 --> 00:18:50,470 What? Oh, good Lord, no, no. 333 00:18:51,070 --> 00:18:55,030 Who'd want to talk world news when they can get the lowdown on kitchen shelving? 334 00:18:55,190 --> 00:18:59,230 Oh, just as I know that Dad sometimes thinks my interest in real ale and DIY 335 00:18:59,230 --> 00:19:00,530 a bit obsessive. Isn't that so, Dad? 336 00:19:01,310 --> 00:19:02,310 No? 337 00:19:03,250 --> 00:19:04,250 Yes, 338 00:19:04,530 --> 00:19:06,090 Wednesdays. It's tumbling out of cold. 339 00:19:06,550 --> 00:19:07,910 How long does that take? 340 00:19:08,430 --> 00:19:11,630 Well, it depends who's... Our duty and whether Dickie Attenborough's finished 341 00:19:11,630 --> 00:19:12,630 the travel passes. 342 00:19:13,410 --> 00:19:16,750 Dickie's getting a bit slow in his old age. Mind you, they all are. Tunnel full 343 00:19:16,750 --> 00:19:20,330 of ageing actors all bashing into each other like blind moles. They'll probably 344 00:19:20,330 --> 00:19:21,330 be down there for years. 345 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,800 Anyway, as I was saying, the other good thing about pine is its friendly 346 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,900 quality. I think if you're going to live with shelving for a few years, you want 347 00:19:30,900 --> 00:19:31,759 it to be friendly. 348 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,720 You want to feel welcome in your own kitchen. You want to feel welcome in 349 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:35,459 own house. 350 00:19:35,460 --> 00:19:38,320 Marion's never made me feel welcome in my own house. That's probably why I've 351 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,860 always thought peace and quiet in the garage with my shelving and workmate 352 00:19:40,860 --> 00:19:41,860 bench. 353 00:19:42,460 --> 00:19:45,980 I was actually in the forefront of the campaign for real ale. The local branch 354 00:19:45,980 --> 00:19:48,440 president said I was one of the unsung heroes of the movement. 355 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,640 That was in the 70s, of course. Now, I suppose I'm what you might call a battle 356 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:52,980 -hardened veteran of the campaign. 357 00:19:53,180 --> 00:19:54,700 And it was a real campaign. 358 00:19:55,060 --> 00:19:58,560 Oh, yes, mark my words. Some of the local landlords were very hostile. 359 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:04,300 One of them used to sell us a packet of hot scratchings for being rude about his 360 00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:05,300 mass -produced bitter. 361 00:20:05,540 --> 00:20:08,160 Of course, if you want a really efficient alarm system around here, I 362 00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:09,160 the thing. You do? 363 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:10,700 Turkeys. What? 364 00:20:10,970 --> 00:20:14,510 Turkey is much more effective than guard dogs and a lot less dangerous. A lot of 365 00:20:14,510 --> 00:20:17,550 Eastern European people watch turkey around the place. I tell you, if they 366 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:20,790 stranger, they kick up an awful stink. I got one once, but my wife strangled it 367 00:20:20,790 --> 00:20:21,449 and ate it. 368 00:20:21,450 --> 00:20:25,630 But I must say that I was a bit put out because I had become quite fond of old 369 00:20:25,630 --> 00:20:28,390 Gertie and I didn't actually realise that I was eating her until her little 370 00:20:28,390 --> 00:20:29,590 tag got caught in my teeth. 371 00:20:31,010 --> 00:20:32,370 Oh, I'll see you later then. 372 00:20:34,710 --> 00:20:37,630 Um, have you ever thought about pine shelving? 373 00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:43,480 It's all right. It's only me. 374 00:20:45,300 --> 00:20:46,300 Where is he? 375 00:20:46,420 --> 00:20:47,580 I don't know. 376 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:49,760 Out progging his yoghurt somewhere, I suppose. 377 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:53,420 He's not going to come rushing in and start telling me about his collection of 378 00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:56,960 1958 train timetables. No, he's gone for a while. 379 00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:58,240 Thank God. 380 00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:01,260 Oh. 381 00:21:01,900 --> 00:21:06,180 We were up half the night discussing the effect of road work on house prices. 382 00:21:06,620 --> 00:21:10,540 Did you know that the bypass was, in fact, an invention of the Romans and 383 00:21:10,540 --> 00:21:11,540 the local one... 384 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:17,240 had created as much as a 6 .5 % price rise in... Oh, Tom, don't you start. 385 00:21:17,540 --> 00:21:18,680 Oh, I'm sorry, but it's catching. 386 00:21:19,780 --> 00:21:24,440 There's something quite mesmeric about cataloguing a myriad of useless facts. 387 00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:26,720 It's like an anaesthetic. Too much and it can kill you. 388 00:21:27,100 --> 00:21:28,520 That had crossed my mind. 389 00:21:28,780 --> 00:21:31,680 Tom, you have got to get rid of him. 390 00:21:32,300 --> 00:21:33,580 He is my son. 391 00:21:33,940 --> 00:21:37,180 Yes, well, I'm sure Mrs Mussolini said the same thing about her, little boy. 392 00:21:38,900 --> 00:21:42,420 But it would have been far... Better for all concerned if she had set aside 393 00:21:42,420 --> 00:21:45,200 cloying sentiment and throttled the fat little bugger. 394 00:21:46,940 --> 00:21:49,540 But what can I do? 395 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:51,760 Just send him back to Marion. 396 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,340 I wouldn't wish death on anyone, even Marion. 397 00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:59,800 Has he told you about his collection of 3 ,000 grass seed catalogues? No. 398 00:22:00,060 --> 00:22:03,020 Has he listed the additives permitted in his yoghurt? 399 00:22:03,300 --> 00:22:07,720 No. Has he told you what is inside a golf ball? All right, all right. 400 00:22:09,379 --> 00:22:11,240 What are we going to do? 401 00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:12,560 Leave it to me. 402 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:21,900 No, thank you. 403 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,380 Here we are. 404 00:22:29,980 --> 00:22:32,220 Would you like to be mother? Well, I will pour the coffee. 405 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:34,280 There's only one cup. 406 00:22:34,380 --> 00:22:36,560 No, I don't drink coffee. It's a form of stimulant. 407 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:38,600 Why are you dressed like Superwoman? 408 00:22:38,890 --> 00:22:39,890 I have an aerobics class. 409 00:22:40,090 --> 00:22:42,710 I believe in a healthy mind and a healthy body. 410 00:22:43,010 --> 00:22:43,809 Since when? 411 00:22:43,810 --> 00:22:47,650 You've been an animated pharmacy longer than Tom's been old and batty. But not 412 00:22:47,650 --> 00:22:49,710 anymore. I don't believe you. 413 00:22:50,030 --> 00:22:52,270 I think you've discovered a new happiness pill. 414 00:22:52,590 --> 00:22:55,550 No way. I might try it. You look years younger. What's it called? 415 00:22:56,050 --> 00:22:58,290 It's called living without Geoffrey. 416 00:22:58,830 --> 00:23:01,310 Just as long as you don't want me to have him back. 417 00:23:01,690 --> 00:23:05,790 Well, now, actually... Do you know, he once wanted to count all the hairs on my 418 00:23:05,790 --> 00:23:08,190 head. To see if I complied with the national average. 419 00:23:08,410 --> 00:23:09,410 And did you? 420 00:23:09,530 --> 00:23:12,370 When he got to two million, I stabbed him in the leg. 421 00:23:13,050 --> 00:23:15,870 So, now you have given up your booze and your pills. 422 00:23:16,070 --> 00:23:17,049 I'm a new woman. 423 00:23:17,050 --> 00:23:20,950 Yes, you certainly are. Who knows, perhaps you didn't really hate me after 424 00:23:21,210 --> 00:23:22,990 Oh, no, that was perfectly genuine. 425 00:23:23,230 --> 00:23:24,230 Yes, it usually is. 426 00:23:24,630 --> 00:23:28,850 So, what do you intend to do with your new life? I intend having a good time 427 00:23:28,850 --> 00:23:30,610 a few years. Quite a few years. 428 00:23:30,830 --> 00:23:33,290 What about your revolting children? Oh, they're all going to kennel. 429 00:23:33,930 --> 00:23:34,930 Boarding school. 430 00:23:35,439 --> 00:23:37,740 During holidays, I will be the mortal mother. 431 00:23:37,940 --> 00:23:38,960 And during term time? 432 00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:48,940 I'm just getting back onto my own feet. I see a glorious life ahead of me, but 433 00:23:48,940 --> 00:23:52,980 I'm still not quite my old self. The habits of half a lifetime are hard to 434 00:23:52,980 --> 00:23:59,060 off. So now I appeal to you, as one woman to another, if I am to have a 435 00:23:59,060 --> 00:24:02,860 at happiness, please don't try and bring Geoffrey and me together again. 436 00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:04,200 All right? 437 00:24:21,700 --> 00:24:22,820 How did it go with Marion? 438 00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:24,620 Well... He's driving me nuts. 439 00:24:24,860 --> 00:24:26,900 Do you know how many bricks there are on the Great Wall of China? 440 00:24:27,140 --> 00:24:28,119 No. 441 00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:30,020 And he wants me to take up Morristown. 442 00:24:31,300 --> 00:24:34,440 It depends on the size of the bricks. 443 00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:35,759 What's that? 444 00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:38,860 In the Great Wall of China, the number of bricks would depend on the size of 445 00:24:38,860 --> 00:24:40,460 bricks. Geoffrey. Yes, Diana. 446 00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:42,120 I have been to see Marion. 447 00:24:42,360 --> 00:24:43,760 Well, she wouldn't know. She knows nothing about bricks. 448 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:46,860 She was discussing your situation. 449 00:24:48,540 --> 00:24:49,540 OK, what's she say? 450 00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:55,570 Well... She said to me, in confidence, as one woman to another... Yes. 451 00:24:57,750 --> 00:24:59,530 No, I can't tell you. It's all right, I can tell you. 452 00:25:00,190 --> 00:25:04,770 Well, she said... She misses you terribly. 453 00:25:05,490 --> 00:25:06,490 What? 454 00:25:07,820 --> 00:25:08,819 Marion, say that. 455 00:25:08,820 --> 00:25:12,500 Yes, but she said she would never be able to tell you. In fact, she said she 456 00:25:12,500 --> 00:25:15,400 would probably tell you to go away, but she said you were not to listen to her. 457 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:20,160 She said she wanted you to be stubborn and determined and the man about the 458 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:23,540 house and insist on staying however much she threw things at you. 459 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:24,960 This is true. 460 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:26,000 Shut up. 461 00:25:27,500 --> 00:25:31,240 Poor darling, I must go to her at once. Yes, yes, you must, and be firm, be 462 00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:32,640 strong, and take earplugs. 463 00:25:33,660 --> 00:25:34,660 Thank you, Diana. 464 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:38,980 I can't believe this is possible. The kids told me she was singing and dancing 465 00:25:38,980 --> 00:25:41,120 and doing cartwheels on the patio. No, no, no. 466 00:25:41,380 --> 00:25:43,180 Hysteria. She wants you now. 467 00:25:43,660 --> 00:25:47,580 But ring her first. Why? Well, maybe she wants to give you a big surprise. 468 00:25:48,180 --> 00:25:49,820 Or not give you a big surprise. 469 00:25:50,260 --> 00:25:51,900 Just go, Geoffrey, and good luck. 470 00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:56,240 I have to go, Dad. I'm sorry. I know you'll miss me. 471 00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:57,480 I'll manage. 472 00:25:58,080 --> 00:25:59,260 I'll look up that brick thing. 473 00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:00,059 Oh, do. 474 00:26:00,060 --> 00:26:01,060 Wonderful. 475 00:26:01,220 --> 00:26:02,320 Bye, Geoffrey. 476 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:03,520 Bye, Dad. 477 00:26:07,340 --> 00:26:08,340 Diana. What? 478 00:26:08,660 --> 00:26:10,060 You fibbed. Me? 479 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:15,260 Yes, even Marion in all her awfulness would not want that bone -brained dope 480 00:26:15,260 --> 00:26:16,259 back again. 481 00:26:16,260 --> 00:26:17,680 Don, that's your tongue. 482 00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:22,540 My friends I choose, my relatives are inflicted upon me. What have you done? 483 00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:26,280 Well, he's going to drive somebody round the twist. If it hadn't been her, it 484 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:28,480 would have been you. I was merely looking after my interest. 485 00:26:28,780 --> 00:26:30,420 Oh, so I'm an interest to you, am I? 486 00:26:30,860 --> 00:26:31,920 I didn't say that. 487 00:26:32,140 --> 00:26:33,380 Well, what did you say then? 488 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:37,540 Tom, shut up. Oh, come on. Make a statement, woman. What am I to you? 489 00:26:37,940 --> 00:26:39,020 What is an interest? 490 00:26:39,380 --> 00:26:44,060 No, don't upset the balance. No, no, no. I mean, am I a hobby or a plaything? 491 00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:46,360 I mean, where are we? No, Tom. 492 00:26:46,700 --> 00:26:49,480 Never ask the questions. You may get the answers. 493 00:27:32,650 --> 00:27:33,650 Back old memories. 494 00:27:34,090 --> 00:27:35,250 I was a biggin' hill. 495 00:27:36,150 --> 00:27:40,350 Had a pang and lost both my legs. Then was chopped down by the hun and they had 496 00:27:40,350 --> 00:27:42,530 to drop in a pair of tin legs for me. 497 00:27:42,850 --> 00:27:45,070 That is very tasteless, Tom. 498 00:27:45,350 --> 00:27:46,410 Is it? Oh, good. 499 00:27:46,750 --> 00:27:48,770 I've always wanted to be tasteless.